Soundtrack

“Stay Alive” by José González

Before the book begins, one quiet instruction. The last track on this record gives the same advice in falsetto.

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“Also Sprach Zarathustra / An American Trilogy” by Elvis Presley

Every memoir about being accidentally named Brian deserves the opening music from the dawn of mankind.

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“I Want You to Want Me” by Cheap Trick

My dad picked Brian. Two weeks later my mom drove downtown, changed it to Brandon, and didn't tell him. I've been auditioning for both of them ever since.

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“Everything's Coming Up Roses” by Ethel Merman

The costumes started with Elvis and ended with full Merman. This is the showstopper from Gypsy, the musical about a stage mother who will not let her kid off the stage. No further questions.

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“Somebody's Watching Me” by Rockwell

If you have ever been caught doing something you cannot explain by someone who will never ask about it, this one's for you.

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“We Are Family” by Sister Sledge

Ironic? Maybe. Accurate? Unfortunately.

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“Running Up That Hill (A Deal with God)” by Kate Bush

For four years I ran from a chained dog that only wanted affection, and walked straight toward the kid who always had something cool to show me. Kate Bush wanted to swap places with someone so they'd finally understand each other. I'd have swapped with the dog.

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“I Say a Little Prayer” by Aretha Franklin

My father wanted me to be an altar boy. I had other ideas involving burlap robes and an unreasonable number of cicadas. Somebody should have said a little prayer. Preferably for Father John.

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“Mama Told Me Not to Come” by Three Dog Night

For my seventeenth birthday, Mom took me to rehab, then smoked the remaining evidence with the neighbors. In fairness, Mama did tell me.

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“On Broadway” by George Benson

My mother wanted Broadway. I wanted an electric guitar and a fog machine. We compromised on a VFW hall in Cincinnati, and it was the happiest I've ever been on a stage.

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“Dirty Work” by Steely Dan

Night shift on the Alzheimer's ward, the summer I learned what burnout is. Somebody had to do the dirty work. I did it, right up until I baptized Opal Tackett.

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“Turn Up the Radio” by Autograph

We opened for Ratt. We wanted an autograph. They wanted weed. Everybody got what they wanted except us. At least the band Autograph finally came through.

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“The Rubberband Man” by The Spinners

The band changed names every show. One of them was The Rubberband Man Band. Thirty years later, it finally gets top billing.

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“Somebody's Baby” by Jackson Browne

Fifteen, a Wendy's parking lot, and a girl who was six months pregnant with somebody's baby. I'd like the record to show it was somebody else's.

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“Dear Mr. Fantasy” by Traffic

My first movie ran fourteen minutes, with fire-extinguisher fog and a soundtrack played on a boombox over a friend's head. Traffic wrote a song begging the entertainer to keep everybody happy. I've been taking that request ever since.

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“Tusk” by Fleetwood Mac

Fleetwood Mac turned their breakups into a career and then hired a marching band. On Valentine's Day 2016, I was eating an Egg McMuffin in my car outside a courthouse. One of us handled it better.

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“Fooled Around and Fell in Love” by Elvin Bishop

I went to a costume party dressed as Loki. Fifteen weeks later I was married. Elvin Bishop makes it sound like an accident. I'd call it efficient.

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“Right Back Where We Started From” by Maxine Nightingale

I married her twice. Same woman, second set of signatures. Maxine makes it sound like a celebration. The real reason was a two-year-old who wouldn't let go of my leg.

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“Machine Gun” by Commodores

No lyrics, on purpose. I heard enough Beach Boys that night to last me the rest of my life. This plays like the opening of a seventies cop show, which is exactly what the desk jockey thought he was starring in.

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“The Rose” by Conway Twitty

She was holding a bouquet from a wedding. I had a plan. Somewhere out there she still tells it at parties: "And then he ATE the rose."

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“Come and Get Your Love” by Redbone

Redbone makes finding love sound effortless. The app promised the same thing. Mine turned out to be married, her husband was at hockey, and I bought her cheese and left through a kitchen.

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“The Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats

Live-band karaoke, four beers, and a bladder with its own set list. Everybody on that floor was dancing. I was the only one doing it for safety reasons. It didn't work.

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“Take It to the Limit” by Eagles

A friend swore by Mini Thins. I took nine before a date. The Eagles meant something considerably more romantic by the limit.

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“Ring of Fire” by Johnny Cash

Johnny Cash sang it about love. I'm using it for a groin situation I explained, in detail, to a chatbot. It burns either way.

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“Overkill (Acoustic Version)” by Colin Hay

Colin Hay wrote this about the noise in his own head at night, then played it again years later, alone and quieter. I sat in a therapist's office and performed until she gave it a name. The quiet version took me longer.

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“Every 1's a Winner” by Hot Chocolate

Eight of us. Nobody won. Three DUIs. One plumber had the best week of his life.

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“9 to 5” by Dolly Parton

Q4 planning. Camera off. Mic on. Dolly wrote the anthem for everyone the office wears down. I'm the guy who blamed Steve from Analytics. Steve did nothing wrong.

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“Whenever I Call You 'Friend'” by Kenny Loggins & Stevie Nicks

A scammer called herself Li Friendly. I became Betty, eighty-seven, living in the moss with the raccoons. Three days, a dinner invitation, and a surprisingly meaningful relationship. Kenny and Stevie already recorded the theme song.

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“You Dropped a Bomb on Me” by The Gap Band

A lanyard, some confident pointing, and a watch that did not exist. I ended a headliner's set early at MidPoint. Most of what I know about that night, other people told me.

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“Holiday Road” by Lindsey Buckingham

Lindsey Buckingham promised a magical vacation. Mine involved coconut-oil boots and a Canadian public restroom that should've had a warning label. Canada and I have some notes.

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“Driver's Seat” by Sniff 'n' the Tears

Every ride in this chapter, somebody else had the driver's seat, and once it was basically a boxer named Kevin. Five stars anyway. Kevin is watching.

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“Queen of Hearts” by Juice Newton

Willow scheduled her whole day around YouTube tarot readings, and for a while I scheduled mine around Willow. Juice Newton tried to warn everybody about the Queen of Hearts.

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“One” by Three Dog Night

A doctor found hair and teeth near my tailbone and said I may have absorbed my twin. Three Dog Night had already done the math on how many of us were left. Rest easy, Brian.

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“God Only Knows” by The Beach Boys

She put me in every costume, and years later she owned all of it in one sentence at her kitchen island. Most of what I write about my mother is a roast. This is the song for the part I mean.

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“Perfect Day” by Lou Reed

The anesthesia turned off the broadcaster in my head, and I was so happy I tried to give a stranger a photo of my own colon. One of the best days of my life. Lou Reed gets it.

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“Hungry Eyes” by Eric Carmen

I rehearsed a walking tour of my renovation for six weeks. Vanna, our golden retriever, rehearsed nothing and ate the pizza twice. Nobody puts Vanna in a corner.

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“Where Is My Mind?” by Pixies

I'm in the shower singing Collective Soul, which I don't even like, while my brain does a mob impression of Tony the Tiger. The Pixies asked the only question that applies.

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“Take On Me” by a-ha

This one is little me talking to my dad. He was always off doing something with my brother, and I wanted to be his project. Take on me. When that pencil-sketch video came on, he told me to turn that crap off.

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“Hold On, I'm Comin'” by Sam & Dave

My brother says he'll call right back. He calls tomorrow, every time. Sam and Dave are also on their way.

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“Mockingbirds” by Grant Lee Buffalo

The chair asked me to feel something without explaining it. This is what followed me home.

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“It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” by R.E.M.

I peaked in 2000 with an eight-hundred-pound TV, and then the future showed up and took the lawn. R.E.M. called it. I feel mostly fine.

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“Time After Time” by Cyndi Lauper

I spent twenty years cutting other people's lives into something that plays well, time after time. This is the chapter where I put the camera down and just watched.

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“Just the Two of Us” by Grover Washington Jr. feat. Bill Withers

Me, my son, a Connect Four board, and a four-year-old fielding questions about retirement planning. Just the two of us. He doesn't owe me a performance.

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“Always on My Mind” by Willie Nelson

I kept Eddie out of this book as long as I could. Willie sings the apology for everything you meant to say and didn't. Good boy, Ed.

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“Dancing in the Dark” by Bruce Springsteen

I sat in a dark basement holding one chord, waiting for a spark. Eventually, I pressed the orange button.

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“Birdhouse in Your Soul” by They Might Be Giants

Carl needed somewhere to land. Apparently my house was accepting walk-ins.

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“Punkrocker” by Teddybears feat. Iggy Pop

Love song, threat, apology, and an Iggy Pop cameo. That covers the relationship.

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“Stayin' Alive” by Bee Gees

Lost the job, the house is haunted, the trees have a fungus called Dead Man's Fingers, and a wasp may have adopted me. Track one told me to stay alive. Track forty-eight is me doing it, badly, in falsetto.

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