BEFORE WE BEGIN
A Disclaimer, Before We Begin
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The stories in this book are drawn from real events. Timelines have been compressed, dialogue reconstructed, and a few details heightened in the name of humor. Memory is an unreliable witness. Mine also does bits.
Some names have been changed. Mine went first, two weeks after I was born, without anyone asking me. That’s Chapter 1.
Everything else is emotionally true, including the parts I would prefer to blame on a talking bear. Laughing at my expense is encouraged. Replication is not.
The unexamined life is not worth living.
— SOCRATES, AT HIS TRIAL
THE CHICKEN LIVES!
— THE AUTHOR, ON PUBLIC ACCESS TELEVISION
FOR BRIAN,
THE TWIN I CONSUMED
