A Disclaimer, Before We Begin

The stories in this book are drawn from real events. Timelines have been compressed, dialogue reconstructed, and a few details heightened in the name of humor. Memory is an unreliable witness. Mine also does bits.

Some names have been changed. Mine went first, two weeks after I was born, without anyone asking me. That’s Chapter 1.

Everything else is emotionally true, including the parts I would prefer to blame on a talking bear. Laughing at my expense is encouraged. Replication is not.

CONTENTS

Introduction: Please Don’t Look at Me (But Also Please Do)

ACT I: FACTORY SETTINGS

Brian Was a Mistake · Name. Shame. Repeat.

Everything’s Coming Up Cringe

Come Explore the World with Me · Or: The Bear Started It

Brrrrp Means I Love You · Or: The Family Tree Was Mostly Firewood

Alex and the Dog · Or: Something Cool to Show You

Cicadas for Christ

Smoke Signals and Communion Suits · Or: How to Lose Your Birthday in 10 Slang Terms

Three Chords and a Fog Machine

The Baptism of Opal Tackett · Or: The Day My Soul Clocked Out Before I Did

Sometimes It Was Ratt

Brown Jenkin · Or: The Band Nobody Could Find

Nuggets of Regret: Raven’s Revenge

Stinkfinger Productions · Or: A French Film

ACT II: THE WRECKAGE

Cold Open: Valentine’s Day, 2016

I Didn’t Sign Up for This

I Did It Again, On Purpose · Or: Daddy, Why?

Help Me, Rhonda

A Rose by Any Other Mouth · A Word About My Starting Skill Level

BumbleF***ed

Karaoke, Pee Pants, and Proud Declarations

Nine Mini Thins and a Shart

Groin Crockpot

A Performing Problem

ACT III: THE EVIDENCE LOCKER

Another Man’s Pipe Fittings

Steve From Analytics Did Nothing Wrong

Field Note: Blessings, Dearest

Shut It Down · Or: Where the Hell Is Gary

Poop Park in Canada

You Don’t Pick the Ride

Tarot and Chicken Breast Ankles

Eat the Twin

ACT IV: BOMBING GRACEFULLY

White Castle Encore · Or: Please Don’t Put Me in a Home

Field Note: Wallet-Sized Prints

Party’s Over, Dog’s Got the Pizza

Field Note: Shower Beer Baptism

A Beer, a Brat, and Cancer

ACT V: THE CALLBACK

Call You Right Back

The Feeling Chair · Or: Mostly Porcelain

I Don’t Know Where the Lawn Went

I Can Fix Everyone Else in Post

Eh. We’ll See. · Or: Larry David in a Youth Medium

The Control Dog · Or: Nobody Wants to Hear About Your Dog

The Orange Button

Carl the Dove · and Everything Else I Couldn’t Leave Outside

F*** You (But Also I Love You)

Coda: Dead Man’s Fingers and Other Signs I’m Thriving

Acknowledgments