FACTORY SETTINGS

Or: How I Got Like This

Humor as armor. The jester is born.

Brian Was a Mistake Name. Shame. Repeat.I was born Brian, renamed two weeks later, and somehow that was only the beginning. 6 min read
Everything’s Coming Up Cringe My childhood had costumes, choreography, photographic evidence, and apparently no adult willing to intervene. 12 min read Invited readers only
Come Explore the World with Me Or: The Bear Started ItTeddy Ruxpin saw something that day neither of us was emotionally prepared to discuss. 4 min read Invited readers only
Brrrrp Means I Love You Or: The Family Tree Was Mostly FirewoodIn my family, affection came with cigarettes, inappropriate stories, strange nicknames, and occasionally sound effects. 8 min read Invited readers only
Alex and the Dog Or: Something Cool to Show YouI spent four years terrified of the wrong animal. 4 min read Invited readers only
Cicadas for Christ Catholic school gave me faith, guilt, altar-boy credentials, and several questions nobody seemed eager to answer. 9 min read
Smoke Signals and Communion Suits Or: How to Lose Your Birthday in 10 Slang TermsMy seventeenth birthday involved marijuana, rehab, my mother, and a surprisingly flexible definition of intervention. 7 min read Invited readers only
Three Chords and a Fog Machine We had guitars, confidence, and enough artificial fog to conceal most of our shortcomings. 6 min read
The Baptism of Opal Tackett Or: The Day My Soul Clocked Out Before I DidMy first real job ended with a ninety-two-year-old woman, bodily fluids, and an abrupt career reassessment. 7 min read Invited readers only
Sometimes It Was Ratt Meeting your heroes is exciting right up until one of them throws you off the bus. 7 min read Invited readers only
Brown Jenkin Or: The Band Nobody Could FindWe were actually good, which apparently made us even more determined to make sure nobody could find us. 10 min read Invited readers only
Nuggets of Regret: Raven’s Revenge I was fifteen, wildly confident, profoundly unqualified, and already making decisions with long-term consequences. 8 min read Invited readers only
Stinkfinger Productions Or: A French FilmBefore I became a filmmaker, I made fourteen minutes of evidence suggesting I probably shouldn’t. 16 min read Invited readers only

Act II

THE WRECKAGE

Or: I Did This On Purpose, Repeatedly

The armor stops working. Nobody tells him.

Act III

THE EVIDENCE LOCKER

Or: State’s Exhibits A Through Whatever

The mechanism, catalogued. No anesthesia.

Act IV

BOMBING GRACEFULLY

Or: The Act Fails and Nobody Leaves the Room

Act V

THE CALLBACK

Or: The Call, the Dog, and the Orange Button

Absurd grace. The mic drop.

Back Matter

After the Ending

Acknowledgments Thank You 3 min read Invited readers only