# Please Don’t Look at Me (but also please do.)

> The official website for Brandon Losacker’s funny, candid memoir about family, failure, fatherhood, grief, dating, shame, and finding the funny in the fallout.

## Canonical facts

- Author: Brandon Losacker
- Full title: Please Don’t Look at Me (but also please do.)
- Subtitle: Stories I Probably Shouldn’t Tell
- Short title: Please Don’t Look at Me
- Genre: humor memoir; memoir
- Author location: Cincinnati, Ohio
- Status: complete manuscript
- Structure: 41 numbered chapters in five acts, plus front matter, a cold open, three field notes, and a coda

## Official pages

- [Book homepage](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/)
- [About the book and author](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/about/)
- [Complete table of contents](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/contents/)
- [Book soundtrack](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/soundtrack/)
- [Contact Brandon Losacker](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/contact/)

## Reading guide

- [Before We Begin: A Disclaimer, Before We Begin](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/disclaimer/): A short, funny disclaimer about real events, compressed timelines, reconstructed dialogue, and why Brandon Losacker’s name was the first thing changed. The complete text is open to everyone.
- [Introduction: Please Don’t Look at Me — but also?](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/introduction/): Brandon Losacker introduces Please Don’t Look at Me, a funny, candid memoir and spiritual garage sale built from uncomfortable truths. The complete text is open to everyone.
- [Chapter One: Brian Was a Mistake — Name. Shame. Repeat.](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/brian-was-a-mistake/): I was born Brian. Two weeks later, my mother corrected the error. The family did not take it well. The complete text is open to everyone.
- [Chapter Two: Everything’s Coming Up Cringe](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/everythings-coming-up-cringe/): Everything’s Coming Up Cringe is chapter two from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. You ever have a moment where your whole childhood flashes before your… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Three: Come Explore the World with Me — Or: The Bear Started It](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/come-explore-the-world-with-me/): Come Explore the World with Me is chapter three from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. Let’s rewind Before the talent show Before the tuxedo Before the… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Four: Brrrrp Means I Love You — Or: The Family Tree Was Mostly Firewood](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/brrrrp-means-i-love-you/): Brrrrp Means I Love You is chapter four from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. Some people come from long lines of scholars athletes or emotionally stable… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Five: Alex and the Dog — Or: Something Cool to Show You](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/alex-and-the-dog/): Alex and the Dog is chapter five from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. Two doors down from us lived a kid named Alex and behind Alex’s house lived a dog… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Six: Cicadas for Christ](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/cicadas-for-christ/): I covered myself in cicadas and walked into church carrying the Body of Christ in a sandwich bag. My altar-boy career did not survive. The complete text is open to everyone.
- [Chapter Seven: Smoke Signals and Communion Suits — Or: How to Lose Your Birthday in 10 Slang Terms](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/smoke-signals-and-communion-suits/): Smoke Signals and Communion Suits is chapter seven from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. At no point in my youth did I gradually become a smoker There… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Eight: Three Chords and a Fog Machine](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/three-chords-and-a-fog-machine/): I bought a fog machine before I could play four songs. Thirty years of consequences followed. The complete text is open to everyone.
- [Chapter Nine: The Baptism of Opal Tackett — Or: The Day My Soul Clocked Out Before I Did](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/the-day-my-soul-clocked-out-before-i-did/): The Baptism of Opal Tackett is chapter nine from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. The fluorescent lights in a nursing home don’t blink They buzz Faint… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Ten: Sometimes It Was Ratt](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/sometimes-it-was-ratt/): Sometimes It Was Ratt is chapter ten from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. Here is what I want you to understand before I tell you about the night… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Eleven: Brown Jenkin — Or: The Band Nobody Could Find](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/brown-jenkin/): Brown Jenkin is chapter eleven from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. VAGRANT lasted one show The next band lasted years which was worse because it gave… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Twelve: Nuggets of Regret: Raven’s Revenge](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/nuggets-of-regret-ravens-revenge/): Nuggets of Regret: Raven’s Revenge is chapter twelve from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. Before the fog machine or somewhere around the same deeply… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Thirteen: Stinkfinger Productions — Or: A French Film](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/stinkfinger-productions/): Stinkfinger Productions is chapter thirteen from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. Before the fog machine before the VFW before the fire alarm and the… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Cold Open: Valentine’s Day, 2016](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/cold-open-valentines-day-2016/): Valentine’s Day, 2016 is cold open from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. Valentine’s Day 2016 The day after my wife moved out We hadn’t even filed yet I… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Fourteen: I Didn’t Sign Up for This](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/i-didnt-sign-up-for-this/): I Didn’t Sign Up for This is chapter fourteen from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. You just watched me eat a breakfast sandwich outside a courthouse… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Fifteen: I Did It Again, On Purpose — Or: Daddy, Why?](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/daddy-why/): I Did It Again, On Purpose is chapter fifteen from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. Here’s the thing I gloss over every time in every version of this… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Sixteen: Help Me, Rhonda](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/help-me-rhonda/): Help Me, Rhonda is chapter sixteen from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. A tale of shrinkage Beach Boys lyrics and sharing a cell with a murderer in that… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Seventeen: A Rose by Any Other Mouth — A Word About My Starting Skill Level](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/a-rose-by-any-other-mouth/): A Rose by Any Other Mouth is chapter seventeen from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. Before the apps there were bars and I want to enter one night into… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Eighteen: BumbleF***ed](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/bumblef-cked/): BumbleF***ed is chapter eighteen from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. Everyone told me the apps were how it works now You’re divorced you’re re entering… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Nineteen: Karaoke, Pee Pants, and Proud Declarations](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/karaoke-pee-pants-and-proud-declarations/): Karaoke, Pee Pants, and Proud Declarations is chapter nineteen from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. There’s a specific era after a divorce where your… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Twenty: Nine Mini Thins and a Shart](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/nine-mini-thins-and-a-shart/): Nine Mini Thins and a Shart is chapter twenty from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. The following story takes place in an era of my life when I believed… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Twenty-One: Groin Crockpot](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/groin-crockpot/): Groin Crockpot is chapter twenty-one from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. I never planned to discuss my groin with an artificial intelligence It wasn’t… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Twenty-Two: A Performing Problem](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/am-i-a-narcissist-or-just-hosting-a-podcast-in-my-head/): A Performing Problem is chapter twenty-two from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. The wall art in a therapist’s intake room is chosen by someone… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Twenty-Three: Another Man’s Pipe Fittings](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/twelve-and-four/): Another Man’s Pipe Fittings is chapter twenty-three from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. You have already met my first van Three hundred dollars brown… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Twenty-Four: Steve From Analytics Did Nothing Wrong](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/dont-ask-i-have-a-big-night-planned/): Steve From Analytics Did Nothing Wrong is chapter twenty-four from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. There are moments in life where time stops Love at… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Field Note: Blessings, Dearest](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/blessings-dearest-a-scam-romance/): Blessings, Dearest is field note from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. Here is a thing nobody tells you about the year after a divorce You will answer a… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Twenty-Five: Shut It Down — Or: Where the Hell Is Gary](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/shut-it-down/): I had a lanyard, no memory, and apparently enough authority to shut down the headliner. The complete text is open to everyone.
- [Chapter Twenty-Six: Poop Park in Canada](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/poop-park-in-canada/): Poop Park in Canada is chapter twenty-six from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. Every band has a tour story Ours takes place in Toronto during North by… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Twenty-Seven: You Don’t Pick the Ride](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/rideshare-roulette/): You Don’t Pick the Ride is chapter twenty-seven from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. I have a five star rating on every rideshare app and I want you to… The complete text is open to everyone.
- [Chapter Twenty-Eight: Tarot and Chicken Breast Ankles](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/tarot-and-chicken-breast-ankles/): Tarot and Chicken Breast Ankles is chapter twenty-eight from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. For a while after the divorce I dated a woman I’ll call… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Twenty-Nine: Eat the Twin](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/eat-the-twin/): Eat the Twin is chapter twenty-nine from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. I want to tell you about the time a doctor informed me in a hospital with a… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Thirty: White Castle Encore — Or: Please Don’t Put Me in a Home](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/white-castle-encore/): White Castle Encore is chapter thirty from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. I brought up the talent show a couple of years ago I want to tell you how… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Field Note: Wallet-Sized Prints](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/wallet-sized-prints/): Wallet-Sized Prints is field note from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. Everyone dreads a colonoscopy and everyone is wrong because I am here to testify… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Thirty-One: Party’s Over, Dog’s Got the Pizza](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/partys-over-dogs-got-the-pizza/): Party’s Over, Dog’s Got the Pizza is chapter thirty-one from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. Nobody tells you the truth about hosting a party at your… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Field Note: Shower Beer Baptism](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/shower-beer-baptism/): Shower Beer Baptism is field note from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. I’m in the shower and I’m singing Collective Soul Not humming Singing Full voice… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Thirty-Two: A Beer, a Brat, and Cancer](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/a-beer-a-brat-and-cancer/): A Beer, a Brat, and Cancer is chapter thirty-two from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. I know where the second guessing comes from Or at least my… The complete text is open to everyone.
- [Chapter Thirty-Three: Call You Right Back](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/call-you-right-back/): Call You Right Back is chapter thirty-three from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. My brother Rick has two voices and neither of them matches the man On… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Thirty-Four: The Feeling Chair — Or: Mostly Porcelain](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/the-feeling-chair/): The Feeling Chair is chapter thirty-four from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. You already know the greatest hits Valentine’s Day Jail Dating apps… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Thirty-Five: I Don’t Know Where the Lawn Went](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/born-analog-raised-digital/): I Don’t Know Where the Lawn Went is chapter thirty-five from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. I think I peaked in 2000 It has been all downhill and fully… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Thirty-Six: I Can Fix Everyone Else in Post](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/the-man-behind-the-timeline/): I Can Fix Everyone Else in Post is chapter thirty-six from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. A fact about me that took twenty years to become a confession… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Thirty-Seven: Eh. We’ll See. — Or: Larry David in a Youth Medium](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/chaos-cuddles-and-cropdusting/): Eh. We’ll See. is chapter thirty-seven from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. I didn’t just have a kid I accidentally launched a one man psychological… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Thirty-Eight: The Control Dog — Or: Nobody Wants to Hear About Your Dog](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/the-control-dog/): The Control Dog is chapter thirty-eight from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. Here is the problem with this chapter You have lost a dog Statistically… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Thirty-Nine: The Orange Button](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/the-machine-in-the-basement/): The Orange Button is chapter thirty-nine from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. In my basement there is a museum and the curator won’t let anyone in The… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Forty: Carl the Dove — and Everything Else I Couldn’t Leave Outside](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/carl-the-dove-and-everything-else-i-couldnt-leave-outside/): Carl the Dove is chapter forty from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. There is a squirrel on my shoulder as I write this sentence I want that entered into… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Chapter Forty-One: F*** You (But Also I Love You)](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/f-you-but-also-i-love-you/): F*** You (But Also I Love You) is chapter forty-one from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t Look at Me. So here we are I would love to tie everything together now A… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.
- [Coda: Dead Man’s Fingers and Other Signs I’m Thriving — The Part After the Ending, Which Is Technically How This Whole Thing Started](https://www.pleasedontlookatme.com/chapters/dead-mans-fingers-and-other-signs-im-thriving/): The Facebook life update that accidentally started the entire memoir. Dead Man’s Fingers and Other Signs I’m Thriving is coda from Brandon Losacker’s humor memoir Please Don’t… The public page is indexable; the complete chapter text requires invited-reader access.